2009 has been a long year. A REALLY long year. The drama of this year has at times threatened to overwhelm me, both personally and professionally.
I had some great moments this year. I completed a goal I had set for myself in costuming, I dressed a renaissance princess, and I attended the college where some of the world's best costumers go and teach.
However, as the year draws to a close, I am reminded more and more of the things that I didn't get to do, and the changes I want to make.
I have talked about The Dreaded Disease here before, and how it can wipe me of any and all energy, strength and initiative that I might have. One of the things I have realized this year is that I no longer want to push myself as hard as I have. I can't afford to stay up all night sewing. My body can't afford to have me sew for days on end with no breaks. There will be a point where it is going to tell me that it has had enough, and my sewing days will be done. Lately I have had subluxations in my fingers. This is painful, and not really conducive to handwork. I have been falling down a lot lately. Great big THUMPING falling down, where my entire self crashes to the ground because I have caught a toe on a chair. I have tripped over a puppy. I have TRIPPED ON MY OWN PANTS. This doesn't do a lot for my dignity, or my physical self, and I have had bruises on my bruises.
And who knows why my particular Dread Disease has decided to choose this time to exacerbate itself. To get worse. I am certain the stress of this past year has affected it. I am certain that the punishing hours spent at my sewing machine and worrying over the Six Wives has affected it. I am certain that staying up till all hours has affected it. And not only affected me, but by extension my family and friends as well.
I let a lot fall to the wayside this year in order to devote myself to the Six Wives Project. And don't get me wrong - it was fulfilling and challenging and something I am proud to have done. But the management of the project wasn't all positive.
My house needs desperate attention in terms of curtains and cleaning and organizing and fixing. I finally cleaned off my nightstand table for the first time in over a year. I sorted my patterns and fabric closet. I am having things fixed all over the house via a barter with an excellent handyman. I have organized half my garage.
I also have puppies that need more attention and need training now that they are old enough for the real deal. I have children who need me to keep a better eye on their academics. I have a husband who would like to not hear the whir of the sewing machine occasionally.
And I have a desperate need to get in shape. I have let myself go for far too long.
I will let you in on a little secret. Part of the reason I am forever making a costume and then selling it immediately upon wearing it is because I think to myself, "Well, I won't be wearing that again, because I will be losing weight and it will be too big." This has gone on for several years now, and it has become painfully obvious that I have been deluding myself. And the other day as I watched the highlights from The Biggest Loser on the computer (we only have the one TV) and was thinking to myself, "HAH. I would not be scared of Jillian. I had drill sergeants worse than her," I realized that I was eating a bag of chocolate as I was watching people WORK THEIR ASSES OFF TO LOSE WEIGHT. The irony of the moment was not lost on me.
I think you all need a little back story. Almost 20 years ago I was in the Army. I injured my knees and ankles and was discharged as a disabled veteran. I weighed 148 lbs. at 5'5 when I joined the Army in 1990 and 117 when I was discharged in 1992. Now, 117 lbs. on me is WAY too skinny. My cheekbones could cut glass and you could see my pelvic bones through my skin. I did not have an eating disorder, but I was working out constantly, climbing huge hills and multiple flights of stairs each day, eating fairly healthy, and constantly getting sick. I caught every infection, cold, etc. that came through the barracks, to include a nice big dose of mono while I was in Arizona. I spent 5 days at my Dad's house in Phoenix one weekend and I don't remember any of it. Not the drive there, the time at the house, or the drive back. I was that sick.
When I got married in 1993 I weighed 155 lbs. That is too BIG for me. And I had gained it all in one year. I had fallen in love, started cooking again, and had no more stairs in my daily activities. My weight changed again after I was pregnant and I settled at around 175-185 for years. Then in the winter/spring of 2000-2001 I was determined to get in shape. I did weights, I walked on the treadmill, I gardened, and I lost 50 lbs. And 135 was a good weight for me. Until suddenly in 2001 I got sick and it all went downhill.
I have spent the remaining years fluctuating between 185-205. I went through some amazingly stressful life experiences during this time, and that didn't help. Multiple surgeries didn't help either. Then this spring after the Dread Disease was finally given a name (Ehlers-Danlos) I started working with a trainer and exercising. And I was feeling pretty good. I didn't change my diet at all, but I wasn't gaining anything.
Then I got in the home stretch of the Six Wives and lived on Junior Mints and Dairy Queen and got to an all time high of 209. And my treadmill got dusty from lack of use. And then I spent October and November resting because my body had finally had enough.
But it wasn't until I realized that I really wasn't hungry when I was eating that chocolate while watching The Biggest Loser, but was simply eating because it was a habit, that I got well and truly disgusted and motivated and tired of being tired. 2009 may have been the Year of Things That Sucked. But 2010 is going to be the Year of Taking Care of Me.
I plan to turn our TV room into an exercise room. (The kids are very excited about this, and the TV will still be readily available elsewhere.) I plan to get more sleep, and keep more regular hours. I plan to spend more time with my family and friends that doesn't constantly revolve around sewing. (Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes? I plan to see ALL OF YOU.) I plan to cut back on my sewing and work on fewer projects, but better ones, and devote my whole attention to them to make them as fabulous as possible. I plan to make one more outfit before Jan. 16th for me (it is already cut out) and then I am not making anything else for me (or selling anything either) until I have actually lost some weight and NEED to make something to fit. I am not buying any fabric next year other than muslin/linen and necessary lining fabrics. I am working from my stash. I am going to pick and choose my costuming events very carefully next year in terms of time and energy. And I am going to go to the Courage Center and work with the trainers there and get my ass in shape. I want my ass to HAVE a shape - other than excessively round.
And I am going to report back here and tell everyone where I am at. I need to keep an account for myself, because I need to be accountable to ME, and no one else.
I will appreciate the support next year. I will need it. And I think if you stick around for 2010 you will find some pretty exciting stuff is going to happen. Hell, it's bound to be better than 2009 (knock on wood), that's for sure, and THAT'S a start. I look forward to sharing the next even BETTER chapter of my life with all of you.
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